Post by Jason on May 3, 2010 1:16:52 GMT -5
I hate starting a topic based on negativity, but there's nowhere else I can go. I don't feel comfortable speaking to friends or family. I try so hard to hide the sad side of me from everyone I know and it makes speaking about these situations so much more difficult when you're not used to people so close to you seeing you upset and sad.
I've gotten through some incredibly difficult situations, but those situations don't hold a candle to the pain I'm going through right now. I hate ranting, I feel like such a negative person when I do, but here it goes.
I've hit rock bottom in my life. There's so much going wrong in my life and it feels like my fate is just beyond my control. I've never felt so helpless in my life. I was laid off in January, 2009 and since then, I've gotten about 3 job interviews and no phone calls back. I want to go to school, but after getting student loans and all the government granted money for college students, I still have to pay about 500 dollars just for one semester. Not including school books, which can be over 100 dollars a book, and supplies. If I choose to go to school, I would want at the absolute least, a part time job to be able to pay for all the things I need for school, but I've been unemployed for 16 months and haven't been interviewed in about 7 months. These are just my career worries.
The pain from my injury back in August doesn't seem to want to leave. Some days are okay, but lately, most days are horrible. If I don't lie down for a few hours during the day, my back pain will not even let up a little bit. I can deal with it, it's been far worse, but there are still those times where the pain becomes almost unbearable and it's hard having to live every day knowing I'm going to have so much pain. But there's a new pain in my life and everything else listed above is just nowhere near the level the pain I'm about to describe.
Stacey, the love of my life, has seemed to fall out of love with me. In February, she spoke of her feelings and told me she doesn't exactly feel the spark anymore. She knows it's normal to lose the 'spark' feeling, but she asked for space to figure out what was wrong. I've gone 3 months living with this, and things have progressively gotten worse. She's become more distant and cold lately and it's the most painful feeling I could have never imagined. We gave each other our lives and dedicated everything about our lives to each other. It all came out of nowhere. Every day, I don't just live with horrific back pain anymore, I have to pretty much force feed myself now. I have no appetite at all. My stomach is constantly on fire because of what's going on and my heart is literally hurting. Sometimes, I honestly put my hand to my heart and don't even feel it beating. I always thought "I love you with all my heart" was just a clever expression, but I've learned it holds true; physically and emotionally. I can't sleep at night anymore. The past 3 days, I've gotten about 4 solid hours of sleep. Everything I do to attempt to forget about everything, even if it's just for a moment, fails miserably. Every time. Spending time with friends and family is nice, but it doesn't help the pain. I would never do any physical harm to myself, but let me tell you, just living my life is incredibly difficult. Time has slowed down and I have to power through every emotion in me just to do something. I just have to find some way to tough it out, but my options are very limited. I don't think I can do anything.
The current positives in my life are the love from my parents, loyalty of my friend, Chris, and logging on to speak with you, Phillip. You're one of the best friends I have.
I've gotten through some incredibly difficult situations, but those situations don't hold a candle to the pain I'm going through right now. I hate ranting, I feel like such a negative person when I do, but here it goes.
I've hit rock bottom in my life. There's so much going wrong in my life and it feels like my fate is just beyond my control. I've never felt so helpless in my life. I was laid off in January, 2009 and since then, I've gotten about 3 job interviews and no phone calls back. I want to go to school, but after getting student loans and all the government granted money for college students, I still have to pay about 500 dollars just for one semester. Not including school books, which can be over 100 dollars a book, and supplies. If I choose to go to school, I would want at the absolute least, a part time job to be able to pay for all the things I need for school, but I've been unemployed for 16 months and haven't been interviewed in about 7 months. These are just my career worries.
The pain from my injury back in August doesn't seem to want to leave. Some days are okay, but lately, most days are horrible. If I don't lie down for a few hours during the day, my back pain will not even let up a little bit. I can deal with it, it's been far worse, but there are still those times where the pain becomes almost unbearable and it's hard having to live every day knowing I'm going to have so much pain. But there's a new pain in my life and everything else listed above is just nowhere near the level the pain I'm about to describe.
Stacey, the love of my life, has seemed to fall out of love with me. In February, she spoke of her feelings and told me she doesn't exactly feel the spark anymore. She knows it's normal to lose the 'spark' feeling, but she asked for space to figure out what was wrong. I've gone 3 months living with this, and things have progressively gotten worse. She's become more distant and cold lately and it's the most painful feeling I could have never imagined. We gave each other our lives and dedicated everything about our lives to each other. It all came out of nowhere. Every day, I don't just live with horrific back pain anymore, I have to pretty much force feed myself now. I have no appetite at all. My stomach is constantly on fire because of what's going on and my heart is literally hurting. Sometimes, I honestly put my hand to my heart and don't even feel it beating. I always thought "I love you with all my heart" was just a clever expression, but I've learned it holds true; physically and emotionally. I can't sleep at night anymore. The past 3 days, I've gotten about 4 solid hours of sleep. Everything I do to attempt to forget about everything, even if it's just for a moment, fails miserably. Every time. Spending time with friends and family is nice, but it doesn't help the pain. I would never do any physical harm to myself, but let me tell you, just living my life is incredibly difficult. Time has slowed down and I have to power through every emotion in me just to do something. I just have to find some way to tough it out, but my options are very limited. I don't think I can do anything.
The current positives in my life are the love from my parents, loyalty of my friend, Chris, and logging on to speak with you, Phillip. You're one of the best friends I have.
Apparently he wants to go to Knotts Berry Farm with us on the 22nd of this month. Hopefully that will still work out. But I know he'll be pressuring us to come out there and see him.